Wall-E

Adventures With Wall-E

So I saw that new Disney movie, Wall-E the other day. There have been little promos and teasers about this movie since like, December of last year. So needless to say I was genuinely excited about what the movie would bring.

Imagine my surprise when I sat down and started watching the movie and literally wanted to just fall asleep in my chair. Sitting and drinking my CokeZero and wishing I'd bought some Cookie Dough Bites, I paid more attention to telepathically urging my phone to ring so I could rush out of the theater to answer it than the actual movie.

Once, it actually did ring, and I actually DID have to rush out of the theater to answer it. I was so proud of my telepathic abilities, even though my supposed brain power had next to nothing to do with my phone ringing.

The movie was, well... blah. It was just... words can't describe. The animation was absolutely beautiful, and it was obvious they put extreme detail into everything the movie entailed (except the plot). It's my understanding that in making the movie SO visibly appealing, they forgot to make it appealing in other ways, as well.

So let's start first. There are two main characters in the movie. THe first main character is Wall-E, a robot who was invented to do nothing but pick up garbage. There's about 7,000 more Wall-Es, but for some reason that is never revealed, all the other Wall-Es are dead, and only one remains, living and chillin' out on the garbage infested earth.

From what I understand, human beings are gigantic slobs ( NOTHING NEW ) and managed to overload the entire planet earth with garbage. So there is garbage everywhere, and humans had to evacuate so they wouldn't be killed in the toxic wasteland they created for themselves. The Wall-Es are left on earth to clean up while the human beings get sent to a supposed "luxurious getaway" on a space station.

Now personally, as a human being this is what I have to say. You know when a dog poops or does his buisness somewhere he's not supposed to, and a method of training for some people ( not saying me, but some people ) is to shove his nose all up in it and say "LOOK WHAT YOU DID! LOOK AT IT!" and just rub it all in there 'till he learns his lesson? Well, why do the human beings get to escape that? SCREW going to a luxurious vacation in the sky. GET BACK HERE, humans. YOU made this mess. Breathe the toxic air. Wade through piles of junk. You deserve to get your noses rubbed in it. "LOOK WHAT YOU DID, HUMANS. BAD, BAD HUMANS! SMELL IT. LICK IT. DON'T DO IT AGAIN. SHAME!"

SO needless to say the incredibly realistic fact that mankind believes they can just run away after royally screwing up so badly is nothing new, but nonetheless annoying to see on screen.

So anyway, the humans are supposedly leaving to go on a five-year vacation while the ever sophisticated ( rusty even when NEW ) Wall-Es get 'er done and clean up all the human's crap. Seven-hundred years later, the Wall-Es are all dead ( minus one ) and the humans are still in space gettin' their vacation on.

So Wall-E in his 700 years of being alone ( but having an adorable pet cockroach - stop trying to kill the ones in your apartment, they live through everything ) he manages to get a personality, a very curious personality. He is obsessed with a musical that I can't trace for the life of me, and being a musical fan, it boggles my mind a bit. He collects little things that he thinks will help him in case he breaks down OR things that just genuinely amuse him.

Enter Eve, who's my favorite character. She's sassy and smart and awesome. I'm waving an Eve flag. Sometimes I think that they tried to put a little TOO much emotion in her voice ( she is a robot after all ) but she was still a great character. She was sent to earth to look for vegetation and signs of life, any sign that humans can move back to earth. Earth is obviously still a pigsty, so she can't find a damn thing. The only person who has a plant is Wall-E, who conveniently found a plant earlier that very day, because he's awesome and finds everything and they needed a way to move the plot along.

He puts the plant in an old boot though, which I found strangely adorable.

So anyway, they get all cozy cozy ( more Wall-E than Eve, he's an uke don't ya know ), Wall-E shows her all his sweet trash pile pickings, as well as his plant. Eve goes into hibernation with a big arrow over her head saying "PLANT HERE" at the site of the plant ( there is no big arrow, or words, but I can imagine it how I want ), and gets brought back to the luxurious vacation space station thingie. Wall-E quite obviously tags along to get another glimpse at his honey-cakes.

I DID think it was pretty funny that this "BL Superstore" was everywhere. They passed the moon, and there was a big sign that said "BL Superstore, coming soon!" haha. The whole super awesome vacation spaceship is run by BL Superstores.

I think probably seeing the spaceship and all the people on it was my least favorite part of the movie. They had these hover chairs that they pretty much never left, so their bone mass had decreased, and they were all fat and couldn't even move very much. All they did was hover around in their little chairs like fat pod-people, sipping cupcakes in a cup, or roast beef sandwhich in a cup, or whatever they drank because they didn't EAT anything. They were all so lazy but they didn't even care that they were lazy. It was so gross.

So since I'm tired of talking about this, long story short ( TOO LATE ) the ship has specific instructions NEVER to go back to Earth, because it's toxic and everyone will die. So the ship tries to destroy the plant, and Eve and Wall-E become fugatives trying to protect the plant. Plant gets back to where it needs to go, everything is happy again, everyone goes back to earth and they try to clean it up together.

A few things bugged me about this movie.

Number one. WHY did everyone on that spaceship speak English? Why were they all American? Was it only AMERICA that got to go in the space ship? That is so unfair that it's ridiculous. Technically, it should've been the whole world on that spaceship, yet everyone spoke English. Not only that, but everyone was either white, or black. There were no Asians or Indians or anything along those lines. Maybe there was and I just wasn't paying attention. To check that out, I'd have to see the movie again, and I don't want to.

Number two. If they were on that space ship for 700 years, why didn't the same thing happen to the space ship that happened to earth?! Where did all of their trash go? How did they not run out of food?! 700 years is a long time, and there were no crops or animals or anything on that space ship. There's no way they could've survived! It makes no sense.

Number three. Yeah right. Human beings are the ones that screwed up the earth to begin with. What makes you think that bringing more human beings to the earth and saying "We're going to fix this" is going to help? Uh no, because you're going to make trash while cleaning up the trash and screw everything up!!

Better yet, why not use that awesome technology that the ship obviously has? The one that disintigrates all the trash like it never even existed? It's obvious that had to do something, or else that itty bitty spacecraft would have looked like earth looked, only more toxic because they were in a closed space.

It was nice that Wall-E and Eve got to be together, but I can't help thinking that it's like a 700 year old man getting with a hot young babe. However, Wall-E is too cute to be an old man, and Eve acts much older than him, so we'll call that even.

All in all, it was an ALLRIGHT movie, which is sad because I don't usually have a lot of bad things to say about Disney movies. It could have been better. I'm not a fan.